In Honor for the Most Wonderful Person I've Ever Known

~~ My Aunt Nena (Juliana) passed last February 20, 2014 but her spirit lives on. She helped raise me, and without her in my life, I would not be the person I am today. I may not physically delivered my eulogy but I want to honor the woman who bravely fight the battle against cancer.

There are no words that greatly describe to who my Aunt was and what she instilled in my life as well as the lives of many who knew her. I am convinced that whatever I am , whatever I am to become, I owe those who left an imprint in my life and one particular person is my Aunt Nena who we usually called MANEN helped enriched and refined my life.

As a child I remember going home every night to her house with our backpacks and school uniforms. I grew up having two

houses to go to, my parent's and my Aunt's. It was like an ordinary routine for me and my siblings - from school, go home (parent's house), have dinner and go home (again!) to my Aunt's house to spend the night there. For almost a decade that was my routine. As I grow older, I became more fascinated and interested into baking. I love to watch my Aunt chopped the bananas into pieces and how she gracefully cut and fold the meringue. Her passion for baking has definitely influenced me. Over the years, she was always there not only for me but for the entire family constantly reminding us to save for the future, to be thankful for everything we have and to be a good person. Through storms we held into each other, guiding us and supporting in every decisions we have. In every stumbles and failures we've encountered, she was there helping us to stand again. 

When we found out that she had cancer (after years of keeping it to herself) the family was very devastated. Living and working abroad made it more hard for me. My world just fell apart. Manen was such a positive and strong woman she never acted down. Instead of cheering her up and encouraging her to be more optimistic, it was the other way around. I was happy to do whatever I could, to helped in any ways but no matter how much I helped I felt like it was nothing compared to everything she had done to me, for my daughters and for the family.

Here lies a woman, brave enough to cross the ocean of pain. The woman who dedicated her entire life taking care of her nephews, nieces and grand nieces. A woman who had passion for baking and telenovelas. A woman who loved deeply - even though we didn't always deserve her.

Until her passing last Thursday, I never knew a day without her unconditional love. An Aunt, a Mother (to her nephews and nieces), a Mentor, a Friend, a Blessing to everyone whom she had touched her life with. I am forever grateful and blessed to be her niece and to have walked in her light of love. I know this is just a temporary goodbye and we will see each other again in God's perfect time. 

I will miss you everyday of my life Manen. xoxox

My Manen

Its been awhile since I haven't write anything. I am complete too focus on things that I forgot what really makes me happy and relieved - writing, sketching even crafting - to name a few. I lost me and I am struggling to find myself again, whole and new.
Late last year, I received a very tragic news. An unexpected fact that I am too scared to accept. My person - my Aunt Nena , whom my siblings and I called her Manen, is suffering from a stage 4 breast cancer. My world begun to crumble. I am still in denial that this is not true but sadly, truth slapped me real hard leaving a mark on my face.
Few may know but my Aunt holds a big part in my life. She took care of me and my siblings while my parents were too busy working for our future. She helped us, guide us and loved us as her own children. She never get married because she was too busy taking care of us. I grew up going to her home and eventually lived there half my life. She taught me how to bake. She baked us cakes during our birthdays! She is my Manen, my second mother.
I know God has a lot of reasons why this is happening. He knew that we can make this through, we will survive. This is just God's way to remind us how strong we are and how He deeply love us.
Lord, I am asking you to give my Ante Nena strength and courage to fight this battle. We will fight for her. I will fight for her.

My thoughts.

Ramadan Mubarak to all my Muslim brothers and sisters all over the world!

I have been here in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia for almost 4 years now and each year as the holy month of Ramadan approaches I had witnessed different types of people either the locals or the expats practiced differently neither to say believe and act differently.

As a born Roman Catholic living and working in a country where dominated by Muslims, I found it very challenging but at the same time fascinating to be really experienced first hand events that I had never encountered before. The customs and traditions which are really way different from what I had used to become a challenge for me. For so many times I had been labeled as an atheist, a christian with many gods even worst I praise and worship satan! But lucky for them I had been brought up with my parents with a good character, flexible in dealing with different types of narrow minded people. :)

Ramadan is not just about fasting. It is not just about refraining one self from eating, drinking (any sorts of drinks), smoking, gambling, engaging into sexual activities and other vices starting from the sun rises til it sets. It is not just an obligation to pray (because it is multiplied at this month)  and it is not just the recitation of the Holy Quran. 

Ramadan is not just about these, it is repenting your sins, respecting everyone from different races from different religion, forgiving and accepting God with an open heart. And it is not only during this month but for every month, every week, every day and every hour in our lives that we should practice this.

It hurts me how some people define me based on my religion. And frankly speaking I only experienced this here in Saudi Arabia. My religion neither anyone's religion doesn't define one's individuality! No matter what religion you are into, how many gods you pray to but yet you don't act the teachings your religion taught you, then I am very you are not a good person. Nobody is perfect - people, government even religion is not perfect but we can all just be more acceptable and respect one's belief, I think we could have a much better peaceful world.

P.S. this post is only based in my own points of view. I do not intend to hurt, degrade nor mislead anyone who might be reading this. I had a lot of good Muslim friends and they are great nice and beautiful people inside and out. This post doesn't generalized all the Muslims because we are all unique and beautiful.

Not My Ordinary Day

I always been a believer of Love. I always believe in happy ever after, love at first sight and true love. Romantic movies are my source of wishful thoughts that I, one day, will finally have my own happy ever after.

I am selfish when it comes to love. I wanted to have my partner's attention only for me. I, at some point, become very selfish that eventually led me to confusion and doubting my partner. I nag and drag, I complain and cry over my high expectations. That is me, selfish.

I am caring. I care too much that's probably why I often get hurt. I care too much that I sometimes forget to leave a little piece for myself. I care too much to the point that I cannot longer feel that I needed to be cared to. That is me, too caring.

I am still learning and growing the world of love. Love is so broad and unique for every person. Funny I am saying this and I am hopeful that my love will do the same things for me. I am still a baby, so innocent in love that I always felt that I am not loved.

On This 2013

Happy New Year!

Its been one great 2012. Memories will be forever kept and shared. Family and friends will always be the reason for living life. Problems and challenges made me into a more better much stronger person. Thank you for a great 365 days with you 2012.

On this 2013, I'll be more open to new challenges. Pains and hurts, disappointments and failures will always be my guide. Happiness and love, hope and faith will always be my source of light and inspiration. For this coming 365 days of my life, I will be thankful each day that I had survived the day. Dreams and hopes will soon be true. Desires and goals will be out from the box and makes it way to join in.

I am so excited what will 2013 has to offer me, may it be good or bad, I know I'll be able to make it!

Another Day Has Gone

( December 21, 2012)

Doomsday! Yet I am here in my room after a long boring day at work writing all these mind-twisting thoughts that I need to vent out. So please bear with me :)

 We all deserve to be happy and be happy and until we are still attached to things or person that will kept on reminding us the happy or sad moments we can never be able to step a new stair in our life. People go, people come. Some are forgotten while few are kept to be remembered forever. Its not that we don't care anymore, that we don't love them anymore in fact its our only excuse to lighten up the burdens caused by these pains and heartaches that we need to step back away from them. Their happiness will always be essential to ours, but its time to move on. The world doesn't stop for a single inch of bleeding, yet it continue to live each day, hoping and smiling that tomorrow is another day to be thankful for.

Seeing your loved ones, hearing their laughter and giggles just made my day. I didn't think of anything than having them in my arms and I am wrapped with their warm tight hugs. I am completely at glee just hearing how thankful they are to received gifts they thought they cant have. It is indeed a very merry happy Christmas!

Moving on doesn't mean leaving the people who once a part of your life. Moving on is making a new chapter in our lives despite all the bad things that had happened and turning the empty page of the book that needed to be written : a new story that needs to be told. Moving on is not walking away from people you once love and forgetting them eventually, it is carrying a  piece of them with you as you make a new leap! It is treasuring the moments, accepting the fact that not everyone can stay in your life forever and recognizing how they influenced you, touched you and how they helped you to grow.

I am thankful fro 2012 for giving me 365 days to experience another laughter, another pain, another sacrifice, another cry, another disappointments, another achievements, another thoughts, another chance and another journey in life. This coming new year it will be a new adventure, a new 365 days that I will keep on looking forward to. 

November 28, 2012 : Just Me and My Thoughts

Today I found myself crying again. It wasn't aloud cry. It was the most silent cry anyone could ever heard of - the cry of a hurting heart.

I am the girl whom you see everyday wearing her most confident happy face. I am the girl whom you joked around with, laughing and giggling til my tummy hurts. I am the girl who cares everyone that surrounds her. I am the girl who patiently waits til the last reasons has been told. I am the girl who eagerly encourage people to go beyond their limits. I am the girl who is willing to give her comfort just to make sure everyone around her feel safe. But I am also the girl who dwells into the darkness and drowned herself to her sadness and miseries. I am also the girl who long for love and happiness. To be able to feel that I am important and worthy to be cared of. I am the girl who wanted not only to be loved but to be told that I am loved. I am the girl who yearns for a hug and cuddle and random funny moments that life had been seizing against me.

Its been weeks since I found myself strolling in an alley of confusion, walking on the steps of miseries and jumping from one pain to another. I don't know if I will be able to overcome everything. Its like a big black hole slowly eating me up and tearing me apart. Today I pitied to myself. I am just as lonely as an old tree who was forgotten by men. Life was much happier and easier then, what happened? This is not me. I used to be lovely and alive! I dreamed everyday of unicorns and rainbows and flying pandas. Where did these dreams went? I feel like I am zombie doing the same chores everyday, speaking the same words and eating the same food. My life is slowly slipping away from me.

I am here sitting alone, trying to find the right words that greatly describe me - ALONE AND SAD. Little did everyone knows that I am the kind of person who expects alot and this always lead me to frustrations and doubts. I trust easily and care too much but most of them don't realized it and I ended up being hurt and neglected. I don't like to be treated as someone who has a communicable disease. Though they will always deny it, I could feel every single coldness in my system that is slowly eating me up, making me feel so unlovable and unworthy. And it always lead to frustrations and eventually hurting myself emotionally. When will life treated me so well? When can I be able to feel the true meaning of happiness? When?