Another Day Has Gone

( December 21, 2012)

Doomsday! Yet I am here in my room after a long boring day at work writing all these mind-twisting thoughts that I need to vent out. So please bear with me :)

 We all deserve to be happy and be happy and until we are still attached to things or person that will kept on reminding us the happy or sad moments we can never be able to step a new stair in our life. People go, people come. Some are forgotten while few are kept to be remembered forever. Its not that we don't care anymore, that we don't love them anymore in fact its our only excuse to lighten up the burdens caused by these pains and heartaches that we need to step back away from them. Their happiness will always be essential to ours, but its time to move on. The world doesn't stop for a single inch of bleeding, yet it continue to live each day, hoping and smiling that tomorrow is another day to be thankful for.

Seeing your loved ones, hearing their laughter and giggles just made my day. I didn't think of anything than having them in my arms and I am wrapped with their warm tight hugs. I am completely at glee just hearing how thankful they are to received gifts they thought they cant have. It is indeed a very merry happy Christmas!

Moving on doesn't mean leaving the people who once a part of your life. Moving on is making a new chapter in our lives despite all the bad things that had happened and turning the empty page of the book that needed to be written : a new story that needs to be told. Moving on is not walking away from people you once love and forgetting them eventually, it is carrying a  piece of them with you as you make a new leap! It is treasuring the moments, accepting the fact that not everyone can stay in your life forever and recognizing how they influenced you, touched you and how they helped you to grow.

I am thankful fro 2012 for giving me 365 days to experience another laughter, another pain, another sacrifice, another cry, another disappointments, another achievements, another thoughts, another chance and another journey in life. This coming new year it will be a new adventure, a new 365 days that I will keep on looking forward to. 

November 28, 2012 : Just Me and My Thoughts

Today I found myself crying again. It wasn't aloud cry. It was the most silent cry anyone could ever heard of - the cry of a hurting heart.

I am the girl whom you see everyday wearing her most confident happy face. I am the girl whom you joked around with, laughing and giggling til my tummy hurts. I am the girl who cares everyone that surrounds her. I am the girl who patiently waits til the last reasons has been told. I am the girl who eagerly encourage people to go beyond their limits. I am the girl who is willing to give her comfort just to make sure everyone around her feel safe. But I am also the girl who dwells into the darkness and drowned herself to her sadness and miseries. I am also the girl who long for love and happiness. To be able to feel that I am important and worthy to be cared of. I am the girl who wanted not only to be loved but to be told that I am loved. I am the girl who yearns for a hug and cuddle and random funny moments that life had been seizing against me.

Its been weeks since I found myself strolling in an alley of confusion, walking on the steps of miseries and jumping from one pain to another. I don't know if I will be able to overcome everything. Its like a big black hole slowly eating me up and tearing me apart. Today I pitied to myself. I am just as lonely as an old tree who was forgotten by men. Life was much happier and easier then, what happened? This is not me. I used to be lovely and alive! I dreamed everyday of unicorns and rainbows and flying pandas. Where did these dreams went? I feel like I am zombie doing the same chores everyday, speaking the same words and eating the same food. My life is slowly slipping away from me.

I am here sitting alone, trying to find the right words that greatly describe me - ALONE AND SAD. Little did everyone knows that I am the kind of person who expects alot and this always lead me to frustrations and doubts. I trust easily and care too much but most of them don't realized it and I ended up being hurt and neglected. I don't like to be treated as someone who has a communicable disease. Though they will always deny it, I could feel every single coldness in my system that is slowly eating me up, making me feel so unlovable and unworthy. And it always lead to frustrations and eventually hurting myself emotionally. When will life treated me so well? When can I be able to feel the true meaning of happiness? When?

The Right Wrong Person

Who is the right wrong person?

He / she maybe the person whom you feel great connection with.

He / she maybe the person who is always there when no one seems to bother.

He / she maybe the person who stares at you giving you an infarction.

He / she maybe the person who held your hand tightly when you almost fall in the cliff.

He / she maybe the person whom you share your desires and deepest secrets.

He / she maybe the person sitting right next to you drinking coffee and reading today's news.

He / she maybe the person whom you bump the other day.

He / she maybe the person that keeps on calling you in the middle of the night just wanted to hear your voice without saying anything.

He / she maybe the person whom you gonna meet tomorrow, the next day or five years from now.

The right wrong person is that special someone you once bump while walking in the subway, spill his coffee in you and then as your eyes met, he gives you an instant bang! Its the same person whom you have been talking all night for months now, sharing all your desires, secrets, dreams and frustrations. The same person who never get tired to understand you and never left you when you wanted to jump off the edge. The very same person whom you have a very strong connection with.

The right wrong person is the very very the same person who came into your life, make you feel so complete and loved yet the universe never allowed it. No matter how you both wanted to have each other, fate and destiny and time are just against your wishes.

The right wrong person will always be that right person we met in a very wrong time.

Believe. Continue. Love.

Challenging Journey With Life

In our lifetime we met alot of people. Strangers become friends. Friends become family. Some just disappeared and we never heard anything back then. People come and go just like seasons changes. Few left great impact in our lives - happy, sad, painful memories - while others were just passerby trying to pull us down or lift us high. In the end, they are the reasons why we are here, how capable we are to face life, what we become is greatly influenced with these past events, relationships even hardships and misfortunes.

I often asked myself if I am blessed or cursed. I tried to take a peak of that road sign that says "End of the Race" but I always fail. No matter how well planned my life I wanted to be there are those detours and pit stops that either makes my journey worthy or worthless. When things get into me, I always find myself in the corner of my room crying my heart out letting the pillows absorb all my miseries and heartaches. I often have this I-Pity-Myself-Alone-Time. And at this crucial times in my life, I feel relieved and telling myself that things will be alright soon. Am I blessed? Yes, I am still blessed with family who never get tired to understand me, who loves me unconditionally despite all the mistakes I have done, who never doubt my capabilities and more importantly who still believes in me despite all my imperfections. I have few friends, whom randomly make me feel loved and cared. And those people whom I never knew, I haven't meet that for sure will give colors to my world. I am perfectly imperfect and permanently and inevitable flawed. 

Once in awhile I love traveling the challenges life have been given me because it just proves one important thing - I AM ALIVE! Being alive and having these moments of ups and downs is what makes the journeyreally worth traveling for. 

Live. Laugh. Love.

Butterfly..fly fly away.

In the depths of the jungle I saw a very beautiful butterfly flying freely from one flower to another. Its big flapping wings that radiates with the shining sun. Its unique colors that stood up from the rest of its kind. I was in awe  by its beauty so I decided to take it home with me.

Everyday I play with the butterfly. We run, jump and I even sing songs. Those are the happiest days of my life. Just knowing I got someone I could talk with, laugh with and even cry with. The most peaceful place is with this butterfly.

Days, months passes by I realized I've been keeping it for long. It got bored and lonely. I thought it needs more flowers so I planted more and nourished it with more love and care. One day, I am so excited to see the butterfly only to see that it was sitting in this big yellow flower looking to sad. There I know I must set it free. I was too selfish to have its time on me not realizing it needs to see the outside world. To mingle and have fun with it own kind. To freely enjoy the beauty of the life it have. And most especially to bring joy, love and happiness to others. With a heavy heart, I took it and set it free and I know it is the happiest day of the butterfly's life : the time it finally got its freedom.


... I woke up realizing it was just a dream. A dream that is so real that left prints in my pillow.

I AM

I am the night,

Longing to see the light.

I am the sea,

Searching the lost Atlantis in the depths.

I am the moon,

I live only because of the sun's light.

I am the leaves,

Standing still with the dew.

I am the rain,

Waiting to be thrown from the clouds.

I am the wind,

Running around the vast humid desert.

I am the sand,

Lying naked as you passes by.

I am the life,

Without you I will die.

Beyond The Horizon

I dare not to look into your eyes,
Full of stories that tells no lie.

I dare not to speak into your lips,
Where love prevails, a feeling that never sleeps.

I dare not to touch your hands,
Thats full of longing and hugs.

I dare not hear the beats of your heart,
Speaks the name of the desired one.

Beyond the horizon speaks no name but yours,
Heard no beat but your heart,
Touched no one but your soft hands.

Beyond the horizon, where I live in paradise,
Dancing and singing,
Jumping and laughing.

Beyond the horizon there is only me and you.

A Moment To Remember

What happened if two was once lovers met in a busy subway of New York? How will the conversation start? What's their reactions would look like?

Think of your favorite bedtime story. As you learn to memorize the lines day by day, imagining the scenes in your thoughts every night and suddenly it becomes a habit before going to bed. By the time you got over it, realizing you are too old to stick with them, you will look for a more mature stories which you can relate on. A story that will depicts the reality of life - that life is not about happily every after but surviving and choosing decisions every minutes of it. With our busy life, our work and other priorities we come home, eat and sleep. No more bedtime story. Then one day, while sitting in your room as you watch the sky cries and roars you suddenly remembers it. Your feet took you to the place where you left it and suddenly there is an unexplained rush of excitement to reread it again. And as you slowly turns the pages you cannot help but smile thinking the memories you had once.

We always have that very special someone in our lives. Someone that made our life so meaningful and beautiful. The one that make us lose our balance but at the same time keep us on our equilibrium. The first person that sees the true us - our one true love, our soul mate. Soul mates are not the person whom we will get married and have children with. They can be the middle person whom you have a magical connection with. The person who has been and will always be there for you no matter whatever  the circumstances maybe. The person who chooses to stay behind the curtain as everybody plays their roles on the stage. And when life caught us in between, the memories of that person always give us a recurrent burst of love and safety. Like a  music that keeps on playing in our hearts eventhough we forgot the lyrics. Just like our favorite bedtime story - we may not be able to have read it again but it stays in our hearts, the ex-lovers met in the subway - time fast so fast and changed their lives but the sparks is still there.

And just like them, in the middle of the night where I cant sleep, I keep on replaying you.

My Snoring Bear

I have this bear who is just so cute
He likes to eat even though he sometimes puke
He loves to climb, to swing and jump
He run a mile and stop for awhile.

I have this bear who is so hairy and smoothy.
He loves strawberries, mangoes and even seeds!
He swims, roar and sometimes being grumpy
He wants to play in the field until the sun sets.

I have this bear who often snore when he sleeps
He rest his sleepy head on the stone so cold.
His tummy moves, up and down and up!
Snoring but he never was boring.

Angels of Mine

Beyond the distance where my eyes couldnt reach
Im longing for their hugs and kisses,
The thought makes me weak.
Their voices and laughters,
Their giggles and crying
Left my heart to bleed
And slowly make me dying.

Their silly smiles and their witty minds
Make me sigh,
Im so blessed for the angels of mine.
Those pouting little lips that resembles mine
Hahahaha, little honeys as what my mom always says.

For every beat of my heart, speaks your names
For every blink of my eyes, your faces I only see.
For every breath I take, longs to be with you
Please hold on for I'll be coming soon.

Life Oh! Life!

" A truly happy person is the one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour."

We often complain about the life we are living. We always complain how hard and unfair life towards us. From the uprising of the basic commodities, civil wars, unheard cries of women and children fighting for their rights, the inequality of the law - so tell me, dont we have the right to complain? Of course we do but that doesnt stop us to slow our pace, sit-back and relax and enjoy every tiny details that comes on our way. Its not what life has given us but how we openly embrace every single pain, every sting of heartaches and every pinch of sacrificies and misfortunes and absord these negative effects and turn them into motivations, inspirations that LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL despite these circumstances. It is our attitude that we are willing to live. If we continue to look at it as a burden, locked ourselves in the dark room we will definitely miss out the beautiful stars shining in the sky, the sweet melody of the birds singing, the innocent smiles of the babies, the love from our parents, the bond of our friends.

Life though full of odds and flaws, is still beautiful at the same time. As human beings, we are all capable of changing situations from negative to positive if we are just willing to go outside our box and if we just stop and stare for the little things that is happening around us.

Life is ugly but through its ugliness we find beauty....inside our hearts.

If Only

If only I could turn back the time
When I was yours and you were mine
I was the sun and you were the moon
When our worlds collide and then bloomed.

If only I could turn back the days
When I am the one who makes you happy and gay
I lay my head into your arms
As we watch lovers passes by holding hands.

If only I could bring you back
I'll give you my world, no holding back
I'll keep you safe, protect you well
From all the endevours we will gain.

But now Im lost, I got nowhere to go
I let you walked too far and I cannot follow
I traced your trails I might catch you up
I only ended with regrets and another broken heart.

That Long and Lasting Love

When I was a child I always imagined myself wearing that shining white gown, a glass slippers and walking down the aisle while my Prince Charming is waiting for me at the altar. And they live happily ever after. FIN. As I enter the years of curiosity, where puppy love and crushes is the main course of every subject, I still got that dream but more detailed and specific. Slam books are my only way to find out what's my crush's favorites and also an indirect way to hurt me because it wasnt me whom he likes. I fell inlove and only to find out that it got broken by my own best friend. In every ending there is always a new beginning and a broken heart didnt stop me to love again.

Now that I am grown enough to know what is right and wrong. To possibly see the consequences of every decisions I made and I will be making. I had found and lost love. I hurt and I got hurt too. And for  every pieces in me that was torn apart only gives me inspirations to become more of the person I wanna be. I know I still have a long walk to finally found the one I am destined to, and for every curve I had encountered, the detours and pit stops, with an open mind and a hopeful heart that long and lasting love will be mine.

And I still wanna have that shining white dress not with a glass slippers but with a red doll shoes!

My Personal Prayer

Monday, October 18, 2010 at 5:32am

I pray for my family i left behind,

may they understand the essence and the importance of my being here.

I pray for my friends,

may the bond and solidarity of our friendships last til eternity.

I pray for those who hates me,

may their hearts be filled with contentment and acceptance.

I pray for those i have  hurt,

may they will finally forgive me and accept me again in thier lives.

I pray for the one who is grieving,

may the hand of God touch his heart and forgiveness may come within his soul.

I pray for those who are lost and in pain,

may they find the light to happiness and may love overshadow the hurt in their hearts.

I pray for the unkind and the wicked,

may they realize that goodness still prevails and may their soul be bless.

I pray for the good, the sincere and the honest one,

may they still continue to touch our lives and become good examples in this chaotic world we are livin.

I pray for love,peace and prosperity,

may each and every one of us still continue to believe and hold on into them.

I pray for the world,

its betterment and may the smile,the laughter echoes the land.

IF

If…

I had turn away what would my heart have to say?

For love I stay and fight…

like a specter stealing the night.

Pandora’s Box is not quite empty as I watch the clock…

 pray like hell our world doesn’t stop.

There no reason to leave you here just to watch you cry.

 Love ones will move on…

but their love will always stay embedded deep within your memories …

always free there they will be.

 Maybe within a dream or a moment in time and space ….

there you will trace their face.

Never to truly die

for they live

within you and I.

by Tony Gauge on Tuesday, November 15, 2011 at 9:46pm.

Random Thoughts of YOU

I've been trying to find the right words to describe you.

The exact terms that is only meant for you.

But everytime I tried, I ended up deleting the phrase.

Not because it is not beautiful nor the right thing to say.

It is because my heart speaks louder than what my mind says.

So I close my eyes. Imagining you.

Your eyes. Your nose. Your funny face.

The warmth of your care. The touch of your love.

Always left me unguard. Makes me vulnerable.

The beauty of your soul. The goodness of your well being.

The totality of you that makes you YOU.

Now it rhymes and I wont deny.

Its you and only you.

Now let my heart speaks and describe it.

You - my shining star. my moon. my sun.

Out from the Box

The magnificient sunsets. The savoring smell of the midnight wind. The shimmering stars. The gleaming moon.

The hopes from the rising sun. The peaceful blue sky. The sweet melody of the birds singing. Thank God for the beautiful world!

Out from the box. I really dont know what it means to me until I see myself in the mirror. I was once too protective to myself not realizing I am hiding and living inside the box. It is so small that only one person can occupy in it - ME. For the past experiences in my life, I had learned to defend myself from the outside world - a world I known to be cruel, chaos and unlovable. I had lived the life I thought to be perfect. Am I happy? I WAS.

As years continue to add I found it so boring and dull. Yes, I control what I feel, what I wanna see and to whom I wanna be with. I am too scared to mingle, to open my life in public because of what they might say about me. I wasnt thinking about my own happiness. The opinion of other people is what matters to me. It makes me feel that I am wanted and doing the things they expect from me is a great achievement on my part knowing I pleased them and be part of their circle.I am too focused for their own happiness not realizing I am not happy. I got tired.  I was suffocated.  I wanna be free. I wanna be who I am and not someone other's want me to be. I wanna be funny. I wanna laugh and smile until my tummy hurts. I miss the feeling of being happy - COMPLETELY HAPPY.

I regret spending and wasting my years inside the box. How could I be so naive and careless? How could I?

...The hopes from the rising sun. The peaceful blue sky. The sweet melody of the birds singing. Thank God for the beautiful world! It is indeed such a wonderful world. How can I be so blind and so scared to witness this beautiful creation.

A new start. A new beginning. Life is so mysterious and I am ready for a big jump off!!

The Year It Was

Its been awhile that I havent done anything. I miss writing, painting and crafting. Looking back my 2011, it was full of random unexplained feeelings that I myself cant even imagine. I had found and lost love. I gained and lose friends. I forget reading, writing and focused on the dull work I have and at the "once important" things I had.

I never regret every single moments I had with 2011. I maybe became dull but I GREW. I become the person I thought I never could be. And I am still in my journey to GROW MORE. To challenge more myself and to encourage more.

Come and join me as I walk through my life's road.